AkuRoku New Years
by Hikari-Sora1
Summary: Heh I actually made this up last year :B Just a short one shot humorous AkuRoku in which Axel convinces Roxas to spend the holidays with him.


"Hey Roxas, need some gloves?" A red head chirped.

"No." He replied in a harsh monotone.

Geez, after the 28th thousandth time you'd think he'd start to go, 'maybe it's '_me'_.'

"Scarf?"

"No." Same tone. Dammit, stiffer than frozen pond water!

"Hot chocolate?"

"How about cutting the crap?" The unfriendly blonde turned to face Axel. "Why are you here and what is it you want from me?"

"Okay, okay. I was gonna wait until we sang 'Chestnuts Roasting On An Open Fire', but I guess I'll level with you now..." He trailed off becoming silent.

"If you don't say anything within the next minute, '_your' _chestnuts will be on an open fire." He threatened with a glare. The scared pyromaniac threw his hands over his crotch in a panic. He liked his chestnuts the way they were.

"Everyone is gone! It's just you and me! Spend New Years with me!" He recovered quickly and jumped around up and down in the snow. It reminded Roxas of a potty dance. He knew Axel. If he cracked just one smile, he was certain the older man would pee his pants in delight. After all, he was doing the potty dance, right?

"What do you mean?" He groaned at his friend's enthusiasm. He turned to see a couple of carrolers and gave them a glare actually wishing he had Axel's power over fire to send their miserable books of torture to the many layers of Hell. Or just setting their hair on fire and watch them run around like headless chickens...headless burning chickens...headless, burning, dead chickens...ah, a nice thought.

"They went home to their families." Axel began following Roxas closely as they walked.

"They don't '_have'_ families you '_doofus'_, they're '_Nobodies'_."

"That's not what Demyx said!" He sang out in a sugary tone. His chest collided with Roxas's back, knocking him face first into the snow. Ooh the frigid, stinging, hated snow. Roxas '_really'_ wished he had power over fire now. The carrolers weren't helping his rising killing mood either. The red head helped the blonde up who was gingerly rubbing his face. "Sorry about that." He pouted and rubbed his palms over the boy's cheeks.

"Stop it!" He slapped Axel's hands away. "You're being such a freak lately." He shoved his hands in his pockets and tried to go on. He turned around in alarm when he heard a scream, but then died from laughter. The stupid enflaming carrolers were now actually running around like burned, headless chickens! Some of them were shoving their heads into the snow to put out the blaze. The freakin' people thought they were ostriches now. Don't they know the difference between a chicken and an ostrich? The other looked quite satisfied with his work.

"They were singing off pitch." He sniggered. He was in a way indebted to Axel now, but that was just one brownie point. Now he was quite certain the red head would never let him live this down. He was going to have to do something embarrassing in return. Like pole dance bare naked...he blushed and shoved that thought into the dark and forgotten abyss on the other side of his mind.

"Now what's this about Demyx's family?"

"Well." He started out, jumping up beside the blonde. Roxas _really_ wanted the other to let go of his arm. What if he made it disintegrate? Like spontaneous combustion or whatever you called it. Or worse, Axel cooties! Maybe he could chew his arm off and salvage the rest of his body, it's not too late! Then he remembered he didn't have abnornally, large freakish teeth...goodbye cruel world that never was...

"We talked about it before he left." Roxas groaned. " 'I wanna go find my family!' He said! So I said, 'You don't have a family! You're a Nobody!' Then he said, 'My Somebody '_must've'_ had a family!" Then I was like, 'Where, the North Pole?' Then he was all like, 'Maybe down south-' "

"That's your '_hormones'_ talking, Axel."

"It's the truth!" He squeaked out. "So I'm all alone. I thought we'd play in the snow, drink hot chocolate, and cuddle by the fire." 'And make out like our very lives depended on the carbon dioxide coming out of our mouths!' He added silently. The Roxas felt something poke against his freezing cold butt in an oh-not-so-friendly manner. What kind of guy gets stiff at a time like this?! An incompetent, low life, scuzzy, horny beast. He tried drowing out Axel's voice echoing in his head like millions upon millions of womanly, pink-painted fingernails scratching on the blackboard fit to be called a brain. Could motormouth ever possibly shut up? Never...

"Axel." Blahblabbityblahblabbityblah...

"Axel." He forced out in a stern voice. The blah's kept coming. He wondered why he cared, he wondered if Axel was infected with stupid...he wondered why he wondered if Axel was infected with stupid, he wondered why there was something green stuck in his (Axel's) teeth... Ew. He didn't want to know.

"So hang out with me." Axel finally stopped to intake air.

'Finally!' Then he saw Axel open his mouth. 'NO!!' He slapped a slightly calloused hand over that fat, miserable hole in the red head's face he called a 'mouth'. And boy did he have one. He was sorry he ever threatened the motormouth to talk in the first place. He finally pulled away, trusting the other to be loyal like a dog should be. There would be one less Nobody in this world if the pyromaniac started beating his gums.

"... ... ...please?" Axel squeaked.

"Only if you zip your lips!"

" 'Kay." He giggled. Giggled? Oh God. That's something only girls do. How feminine. How queer. What a lack of masculinity. What-the hell were Axel's hands doing in his pants?! He mentally screamed. How _dare_ him! The red head pressed his chest against Roxas's back. Who would've known pedofiles had such a deathwish?

"Axel?"

"Yes, Roxy?" Oh hell no. He did '_not'_ just say that His teeming urge to kill was now directed to any Axels on sight.

"Remember those chestnuts?" He let out a growl. Not a weak growl, not a girly growl, it was a damn manly growl.

"Y-Yeah?" Axel shuddered. The look Roxas gave him clearly said, 'Touch me again and I'll make sure that you '_and'_ your chestnuts will burn in Hell.' He pulled away from the boy, they both proceeded to walk down the street in silence.

'I wish he'd say something!' Axel mentally whined. 'A coat rack would make a better pal!' "You're angry..."

"And thank you for telling me something I already know."

"You need to loosen up. Take out some stress."

"Are you volunteering?" Roxas turned around only to be hit in the face by an effin snowball! He fell to the ground, stunned.

"Come on!" Axel jumped around giggling like a stupid schoolgirl that just told her crush how much she liked his teeth.

"Axel..." He hissed, picking himself up. Along the way, he grabbed a huge clump of snow and grinned devilishly.

"Roxas...won't you...have mercy?" Somehow Axel knew Roxas didn't know the meaning of '_mercy'_. The red head wasn't so hot now, was he?!

"Not a freakin' snowball's chance in Hell." He launched the snowball/snowboulder laughing. Axel's eyes lit up brighter than a Christmas tree...can't say he was really bright though. He was too busy in daydream. 'Roxas laughed!' And then a large amount of frozen H2O that fell from the sky collided with his face. "Score!" Roxas laughed again, actually smiling.

The red head just sat down in the snow, the white ice clinging to his face and hair. He blushed brightly, watching the blonde keel himself over laughing. Roxas turned to look at him. 'What freak sits in frozen water and blushes like some kind of pervert?' Then he felt stupid. '_Axel'_ of course.

"You...you smiled."

"So?"

"So, you smiled!" He bit his lip to keep from smiling himself.

"Axel...did I hit you '_too'_ hard?"

"No, my hair absorbed most of the impact."

"Uh huuh..."

"Eh? Hey it's snowing!" The idiot looked up at the falling flakes...he '_was'_ a flake...

"So it is...let's go inside..." He sighed out. Then just as he was getting up he was mauled by a '_bear'_. "Axel! Get off!"

"Awww Roxas, I love you! Let meh love you!"

"Get off, people are looking!" He blushed brightly. "Off!"

"Ew mommy! Look at the two boys!" A little boy came around the corner with his mother, pointing at the two Nobodies.

"Shh, don't look at them!" She hissed and shoved him along. Finally Roxas was able to push that vicegrip off of him.

"I got an idea!"

"There's a scary thought..."

"Let's pee our names in the snow!" About that time a snowball was thrown at his face roughly. "Ow!" His cheek was now bright red from the smarting pain. "What did you do that for?!"

"I'm not peeing my name in the snow!" What the hell is he thinking?! 'Pee our names in the snow'! He must have a snowball for a brain! Better yet, a chestnut! "That's the stupidest idea ever! 'Yeah kids! Peeing your name into the snow is fun _'and' _educational!' "

"Really mister?" Two little boys behind him chirped. Roxas became pretty blue in the face when he heard the innocent voices. He turned around slowly to meet the faces of two 5 year old boys and their parents who were looking at him with an expression mixed between disgust and shock.

"Who do you think you are telling kids that?!"

"I-I didn't- I! I wasn't talking to them, I was-!"

"Let me handle this, Roxy." Axel sat up grinning. He strolled over and began talking to the parents of the two little twerps. What in the name of Nobody was that motormouth going on about? He was standing a reasonable distance from gumbeater and his two victims. Whatever he was ranting about, it sure was effective. Roxas watched the parents' faces turn from a look of shock, to surprise, to sad, then to understanding.

"S-Sorry, we are so sorry!" They bowed to him and Roxas and ran off on their merry little ways. The pedofile waved at them and grinned like an idiot.

"What did you say?" Roxas's eyes narrowed in an annoying manner. 'I swear if he said anything stupid...'

"A magician never reveals his secrets." He grinned. "Let's go." The two of them walked back to a small house they called their temporary home. "You know what this means, right?"

"Axel."

"Roooxas." He grinned.

"No!"

"You owe me."

'Noooooooooo!' The boy wailed to himself. 'Anything but-'

"Now you gotta...let's see..."

'If he...'

"You can..."

'He wouldn't...'

"How about you pole dance bare naked?" He grinned widely, grabbed Roxas quickly and pressed his lips to the other's.

'Kingdom Hearts strike me dead where I stand.' But he opened his lips and enjoyed the kiss anyway.


End file.
